Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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