She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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