Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
