it's too hot outside to masturbate.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
