SEEEEXXX PLEASE
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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