I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
