she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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