Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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