i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
time to smoke my breakfast
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Randomize
