glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize