I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
he told me I talked like a deaf person
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
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