Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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