You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
