I can feel you judging me through the phone.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize