Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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