I like my sex mixed with concussions.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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