id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
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