I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
