Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
