whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
