So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
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