My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
