Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Randomize
