I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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