I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
