im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
So much rum. So many feels.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
