I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize