Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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