This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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