even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Randomize
