I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Randomize