nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Randomize
