I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I just found a bag of teeth...
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
