my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
