I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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