I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
