well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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