Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
