then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
