She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
