The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
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