whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
