your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
