Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
