i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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