wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
