What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Randomize
