my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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