So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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