also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
