There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
