He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
It's never too late to be topless.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
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