I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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