Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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