1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
