My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
