I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
